Tuesday, January 26, 2010

(serious thought process) The crossroads

Why does it feel like I have come to a crossroad in my life, almost 50 and not knowing which direction to go, by now i should know my way around, with my vagabond teen years, sleeping wherever my head dropped, to becoming a mother and settling down. Now the babes are grown and I'm standing here at the crossroad, waiting, contemplating which way to go before the devil catches up with me. Which way do I go? Left, right, straight ahead or backwards? Can't go backwards, even though I'd do it all over again, Lynyrd skynyrd, steve miller, backpack on my back, just discovering the world, nope, can't go back there. Wish I could it was fun. Then mommy to my 4 babies and any other kid who needed a mom at that moment, I had a purpose then, to guide, to teach, and to hope they learned from my life, and I did the best I could, always having extra blankets and pillows and a hot meal and shower for anyone who needed one. You see, a house filled with kids reminded me of those happy days at the commune and youth and freedom and the feeling of being indestructional. Now that's gone, I'm vulnerable and lost and I stand here alone, am I an inventor, a poet, a storyteller, a leader, a councilar or is my destiny waiting here at the crossroads? All the freedom in the world and having no idea what to do with it. I reinvented myself as Mrs. Hedgewitch to begin a busniess, but who am I really? I am a almost 50 year old woman who doesn't know where to go with whats left of her life, I beat cancer, survived spine surgery, and lived through my dangerous past so I'm here for something, but what? I wish there were signs at the crossroad to guide me and help me make a decision on were to go from here, but there isn't. So I guess I just do iny, miny, miney, moe and go in that direction and see where it takes me, I just wish I had a pair of ruby slippers that I could click, to get back if I don't like it there. Wish me luck, on my new adventure called "life void of children". I hope the cosmos got my back on this one, and when it's your turn at the crossroads of your life, look up first, say a little prayer and put your one foot forward and go. See you there. Till it's time for coffee in the garden, Blessed Be! Elli

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